Come as you are

Tag: love

  • My testimony part 3

    My testimony part 3

    Welcome back readers! I am so glad you guys have come back. I am so excited to spend time writing my testimony for you guys. Let us take a moment to pray before we start. I pray that you guys are safe where ever you are and that you may spread God’s goodness, and grace. Now, let us dive in.

    My grandma, my aunt, and uncle would go on to share custody of my sister and myself. Life seemed to be just that. It started to feel like living. I had parents that loved me. I had enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and I had more family. I was meeting family that I never knew existed! My aunt and uncle lived behind us. Cousins would come over and it would be like kindergartners in the sandbox. Life was good.

    Then, my mom(my aunt) got sick. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Nonetheless, she seemed to still be so strong. She never showed us how sick she really was. Looking back, Dad helped her so much during that time. I just did not realize. She did it though, my mom beat her cancer, going into remission.

    Or, at least we thought that was the case. I remember that Memorial Day so clearly sometimes. We were having such a good time playing in the pool. Mom was having a hard time breathing, and my grandma suggested that she go see her doctor the next day. My mom would go on to the doctor then be taken to the hospital. She never got to come home. Her cancer came back, and spread to her lungs.

    My mom passed away in 2007 from pancreatic cancer. My cousin came to tell me the morning she passed. I was still in my pajamas when my cousin took me outside to the back porch swing. The day was already coming to a boil, but it seemed so cold to me. Like the rest of us, I did not want to believe that she was gone.

    I was so angry with God. I remember staying angry with him for a very long time. Even more so after my grandma passed away from melanoma cancer in 2012, shortly after I graduated. I even stopped believing in him and wanted nothing to do with Christians. But while I was hurting Jesus was weeping with me as well. Even though I did not feel Him, he has never left my side. He has grieved with me and grieved for me.

    We all go through a time of doubting God. Take for example the Hebrews in the desert.They were constantly letting God down, but he did not let them down. God guided them to the promised land. God was with Ruth through her grieving and her journey. David was faithful and took down Goliath! Even when He is silent He is working. Even in our heartache He is working.

    But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart, and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful Go; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath. Deuteronomy 4:29-31

  • My testimony part 2

    Hello friends, let’s take a moment to pray before we dive into this next part of my testimony. I pray that God is able to use me in a way to help others through this passage. I also believe that sharing all of this will also be a way to move past it. I thank you for your patience and your understanding. Read with caution as some themes of abuse and sexual abuse may be triggering to some. This next part is a little bit difficult to talk about so I will try to be brief. We are time jumping to when I was five years old.

    My birth father and birth mother divorced. I do not remember what happened between them. My birth father remarried which meant a new step mother and step brothers. Soon, we moved to Georgia where our new family awaited us. After we moved, my sister and I would see very little of him. I am unsure where my birth mother went or, why we did not see her. I think the answer lies with my birth father, who changes the story every time. But everything changed for me again at five years old.

    Being five years old at the time I cannot remember what I was feeling when I met them. My sister and I have different recolections of our past. I am sure everything seemed normal while we were all adjusting to each other. I can not tell you when everything began to change either. As we got older I did notice that our step mother treated my sister and I differently. The boys became abusive phycially and mentally. No one could really tell how bad things were from the outside looking in. My life felt like the song “Concrete Angel,” by Martina McBride. I remember being sent to time out one time for so long that I ended using the restroom on myself. My step mother did not like that. I received a worse punishment for that. We were not allowed to go to bed early on the weekends. We were forced to stay up until midnight. If we were caught falling asleep we would get in trouble for that as well. I remember my step mother did not like how my sister cleaned something. I would be awakened by my step mother dragging my sister from her top bunk. Her head a sickening noise as it hit the floor. My sister screamed as she was dragged away toward the hallway bathroom. Blood poured from my sister’s nose as our step mother showed her what she had done wrong. My sister had it harder than I did.

    There are many unspeakable things that happened to me. For one I was molested by one of my step brothers. I typed, erased, retyped and finally decided that I did not wish to spare any details of what happened to me. I also did not wish my audience be upset with me for sharing those details.

    I am not sure how soon after that. My step mother beat my sister in front of my birth father. He had us pack our things. He drove us down to live with our grandmother, aunt, and uncle. Life would begin to feel like we were finally living. Like we were allowed to live and be free. The best part, we learned what a parent’s love would be like. My birth father would leave us to go back to our step mother. While our aunt, uncle, and grandmother would enter a custody battle to protect us from our parents.

    But still after all of that he chose to love me. I know now that Jesus never left me. He gave me a wonderful friend to lean on during that time. Even though I was told I could not be her friend, she was determined. Even through times like these I can look back and find God. I wish I knew that then. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

    We need to remember that even though Jesus was beaten, he still chose to forgive those who persecuted Him. He chose love. “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing,” Luke 23:34. He was as human as we are. He felt pain and shame. So I to chose forgiveness and love. Even though its hard to do.

    Thank you for your time and allowing me to share my truth. Part three will be better but I still have trials to face as do we all. “May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26. Shalom.